Other People's Problems

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride

I bought a lottery ticket. We don’t need a win like the lottery. I bought one because, while BlackGirlMagic and I are stable, I wish I could do more for friends and people we know.

In April, an old friend’s 16-year-old daughter died. Before the daughter’s death, on the way to the hospital, the ambulance they were in… was in an accident. My friend stood on the side of the road holding her daughter’s IV bags while the EMTs kept the daughter alive until a rescue ambulance arrived. After her daughter’s death, my friend broke. And, after her daughter’s memorial, my friend tried to kill herself. She’s been admitted to a facility, and will hopefully live to make more shadows.

An acquaintance is her mother’s caregiver. For the last year, she thought her mother had Parkinson’s. Turns out, after extensive testing, my acquaintance’s mother has Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP). The diagnosis is devastating. Parkinson’s is bad enough, but a patient might live well enough for 10 to 20+ years, before crashing and burning. PSP comes with a severely truncated time frame, and an incredibly fast “crash and burn.” PSP is Parkinson’s at Mach 10. My friend can’t afford in-home care, and she’s not equip to take care of her mother. She doesn’t want to put her mom in a nursing home, not with the little time the mother has left. She doesn’t know what to do.

An old friend is caregiving for her husband’s mother, in-home. During a recent hospitalization for UTI, a hospital doctor claimed he couldn’t release the mother to the family’s care, and insisted that he is legally allowed to place the mother in a facility. This, I know, is absolutely not true. But, I also know—despite the illegality—there are agreements between hospitals and nursing facilities that come with kickbacks. I suggested the friend talk with a lawyer. She did, despite not having the money. The lawyer stepped in. The hospital backed off. Now my friend is afraid to take her MIL back to the hospital, and it’s the only one in their immediate area.

Another old friend is caregiving six elderly people: her own mother and her mother’s sister, her husband’s mom and dad, and her husband’s first wife’s mom and dad. Her husband’s first wife died of cancer almost twenty years ago. The husband’s first wife was an only child. The second wife, my friend, feels loyal to her husband… to a fault. She quit her career to be a caregiver, while at the same time… trying to be a mother to their 11-year-old. My friend, a formerly peaceable and peaceful person is angry and bitter of late, and she has every right to be. Any time she asks any agency or institution for help, she’s told that none of the parents qualify for aid for one reason or another. Eldercare in America is a dumpster fire.

Two more friends just learned their sister has rapid onset dementia. The sister’s been living in squalor. My friends have to scurry and figure out what to do with the sister, and what to do for her, and they live in different countries.

Another friend of mine had covid numerous times. She was just diagnosed with long covid. She has trouble working with brain fog, and trouble being active. She gets one illness after another, stomach issues, and a mess of other health concerns that aren’t wonderful. She’s fortunate to have a job, but worries about money for health expenses, and rightly so.

Another friend is working for a boss whose mother just died, and who just got divorced. The boss is spiraling, and putting the business in jeopardy. This friend of mine is worried about her job and her own future… especially as she just closed on a new house.

Another friend left her fiance, her job, and her apartment to move in with her mom, because health issues have plagued her to the point of being non-functional. With the move came a change in insurance, so all of my friend’s former approvals for treatments and medication have to be re-approved, all by new doctors in her new home area. All of this is stalling her recovery. I am frustrated for her.

An acquaintance inherited her older sister. The older sister is blind and autistic. The sister lived with their parents, but their parents recently died in quick succession. Rather than place the sister in an institution, my acquaintance took in her sister and is her sister’s caregiver. But, she just lost her job, so now she’s worried about how she’ll be able to cover basic living expenses AND ensure that her sister’s needs are covered.

Another acquaintance learned she has a pretty major heart condition and shouldn’t be under stress. She’s a nurse with about seven years until retirement. She’s worried about her job and longevity. Her son’s wife had covid, and shortly afterward had a stroke. The daughter-in-law is a new mom. This acquaintance is also worried about her family, and wants desperately to help them either with time or money, but has neither.

An acquaintance is going through it for the anniversary of her husband’s death. When he died, her income—obviously—dropped. She’s trying to figure out how to save her home on her own. She as Barret’s esophagus, and has trouble breathing and eating and talking. She finds that people aren’t socially given to patience like her husband was with her. And, she needs patience in just being, in sharing meals, and in having conversations, because of her disease. So, she’s not only alone, but lonely, feeling dejected and rejected, and she’s worried.

The neighbor behind us, someone I have actually taken a liking to, learned her thyroid cancer came back with a vengeance. It spread to her lungs and metasticized to her liver. She’d not felt well for the last year, but she works full-time and is her mother’s sole caregiver, so she didn’t have time (and didn’t make time) to see a doctor. A few years ago, one of her brothers died in an accident. This past year, her other brother died from liver cancer. The mother has no other children. Though we’ve not talked about the neighbor’s prognosis, I have an idea of what it is… and don’t expect her to be “around” in another five years. She’s very sad and very worried, mostly because… she won’t be here to make sure her mother is safe, and her brothers won’t be either.

The neighbor across from us, someone else to whom I’ve taken a liking, moved her daughter here from Texas after learning that her husband was molesting the child. She has outrageous legal bills related to a fierce custody battle, and the neighbor works so much overtime it’s shameful. So, the juvenile daughter she’s protecting… is alone most of the day because the neighbor has to work, and they live what might as well be a million miles from their family for now.

Every one of these people… is a woman. All of them, women! Women doing their best, struggling to do their best, and none of them complaining. They’ve all shared their situations, but matter-of-factly. And, none of them have asked for help.

Did I mention? My BlackGirlMagic took my father to Urgent Care. He has another UTI.

So, I bought a lottery ticket. Again, BlackGirlMagic nor I need a win like the lottery. I bought one because, were I to win a few million, I’d do my damnedest to help the people we know. I’d pay for a better rehab for my suicidal friend. I’d pay for full-time in-home agency care for every person we know who’s doing eldercare for a relative (and the acquaintance who’s taking care of her sister). I’d set up trusts for friends with long covid, and the one with the autoimmune issues preventing her from working and living the life she would rather live. For the friends and acquaintances with health issues, I’d pay for them to see the best specialists, while also covering their home expenses, so they wouldn’t have to worry about losing their house over their health. I’d also pay off two houses for two people. I’d send my terminal neighbor on the bucket list trip of her life, with a traveling nurse to tend her. And, I’d set up a trust to care for her mother. Finally, I’d pay off the other neighbor’s legal bills and cover her living expenses for a year, to release some pressure. I’d do all this through a lawyer who would handle these matters for me, and anonymously. No one would ever know that it was me who helped them.

Then, for myself… maybe I’d take my BlackGirlMagic out to buy a new Jeep, so I could see her joy in picking a new vehicle. Then, I’d hope we could go off-roading in the Pine Barrens for an afternoon. Maybe I’d also send some gift baskets or care packages to everyone else we know… “just because.” Hopefully, after all this, nothing would be left over.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Another UTI. *sighs* This makes 13 visits to Urgent Care or the ER, 3 hospital in-patient days, 17 in-patient rehab days, and 90 days of antibiotics over the last 72 days. I’m hobbled.

Thanks for listening. Maybe send up some good thoughts for all the people I mention in this post. They could all use it.